Last week I talked about the importance of listening and listening at the level of the child and from the stand point of the child. There is a certain culture that every person and especially every child has. This culture can come from poverty, from ethnicity and race, from wealth, from education, and from the different areas of the country. This is why it is so very important for all those who deal with children to understand the diverse cultures that the child they are dealing with is coming from.
We have a child who we really wanted to join this Big Brother group. It was a wonderful program, and the parent, teacher and I thought it was a perfect thing for this child to do. He had very few positive male role models, and this group would expose him to several positives. This child has lost much of his power in his little life and often misbehaves, because he does not feel like he has a voice. When the mother told me that he had told the organization that he did not want to be a part of it, I was quite perturbed. How could he be so ungrateful? I had worked hard to get him involved; how could he just dismiss it? When I pulled him aside to talk with him, I realized one very important mistake I had made. No one had ever asked him what he wanted to do. Even if we, as adults, had decided what he needed to do, we should have at least consulted him and made him feel like he had some power in the decision-making process. The funny thing was that not only did he feel he lost power, we did not find out the real reason he had for not being a part of it. He had heard that they went camping. Everyone had told him how wonderful the camping trips were. The problem was he thought that was the majority of what they did, and because of his background and life experience, he was afraid to camp because of bears. Plain and simple, he did not want to join the group, because they went camping, and bears were in the campgrounds (or so he thought.)
Often we do not understand other cultures. We are quick to tell children to look us in the eyes in the South, but, if we have a child from another country or even another part of our country, that may be a sign of disrespect. Children from Asian and South American countries are taught that it is a sign of disrespect to look an adult in the eyes. How confusing is it for a child to be told to "Look me in the eyes," by an angry teacher when at home they are punished for that very action? Another example, is a child I knew who was told continually by the teachers reprimanding him, to look them in the eyes. Later the child admitted to being so angry that if he looked the teacher in the eye, he would have exploded and said some very inappropriate remarks. In essence, he was protecting himself and keeping himself from greater trouble.
If we are in the business of "people," especially in the melting pot we call the United States, it is so important to understand the various cultures, especially the culture of poverty, in order to really listen. If we can really listen, then we can really understand. If we can understand, then we can really teach.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
If We R.E.A.L.ly Listen...
So many times we adults are in a terrible rush and feel like our little ones are just trying to get on our nerves. This is actually true about two percent of the time. Most of the time the children are just hearing our questions or concerns with a totally different voice and understanding. On the other hand, sometimes they are just trying to get our attention and have some attention. We have to realize that occasionally they are answering our question but from their own understanding and perspective.
I have to be especially mindful because often I am in such a rush with a" hundred million" things going on that I do not really listen to what my children and the Center children are really concerned about. For example, I have one youth who was just a dream to have at the Center. He was sweet and quiet, played with others, helped whenever necessary and did whatever we asked of him. Several months into the program he started running around, snatching things from others, openly defying the volunteers and me. We let it go for a day or two thinking it would pass, but it only got worse. He started complaining that everyone "hated him." I decided he need some positive attention, so I began to give him extra "helping" chores and that seemed to "calm the beast." Whenever he was not directly under our care, though, he seemed to rebel.
Finally, when neither Ms. Rotterman not I could handle the behavior anymore, I took him out to the hall. Mind you, when you have to go out in the hall with me it usually isn't a good thing. I asked him what was going on and did he act like this at school. He said no because he would have to go to the principal's office. We determined that we wanted him to behave, because it was the right thing to do and not out of fear. Then again, I asked what was going on that would make him behave in such a manner. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he whispered that he had not been able to sleep in awhile. There were problems in his house with the roof and various other things and he just could not sleep. I told him, "Well, goodness! When I don't get good sleep I am in a grouchy mood, too. No wonder you feel so bad." Then we continued to discuss the fact that even though he was in a grouchy mood he could not push that on others. We also discussed the ways that Ms. Rotterman and I could help him when he was feeling especially angry and distraught.
If I had just punished him for misbehaving and had not really listened to him, I would never have realized what was really causing the behavior. We would also not have found a solution to the problem. It was very important to first get down to his level, physically and look him in the eyes. Next, it was important to empathize with his feelings. Then I asked questions that will lead to the source of the problem. When the problem was discovered, it was important that we found a solution together. This can be done by asking open-ended and leading questions. "What makes you feel better when you feel so grouchy?" "What can we do to help you get calm?" Then as we find a solution, we can put that plan into place and the child is now empowered. He has verbalized his problem and found a solution and everyone feels satisfied.
If we adults can just remember to SLOW down and really listen, we would find that the problems and solutions are really quite easy. I have to continually ask for guidance, because, all too often, I have reacted impulsively and then regretted it when the real problem was so obvious. I could not solve the sleeping problem for this child, but I could help him solve the problem of his reactions to lack of sleep. For our particular situation we spoke of the different ways for him to relax himself. Our plan was when he was behaving erratically, I would place my hand on his shoulder as a reminder, and he would perform the activities that would calm and focus him. For him it was a deep breathing exercise he knew. We must remember to really listen and listen as a child would.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
I have to be especially mindful because often I am in such a rush with a" hundred million" things going on that I do not really listen to what my children and the Center children are really concerned about. For example, I have one youth who was just a dream to have at the Center. He was sweet and quiet, played with others, helped whenever necessary and did whatever we asked of him. Several months into the program he started running around, snatching things from others, openly defying the volunteers and me. We let it go for a day or two thinking it would pass, but it only got worse. He started complaining that everyone "hated him." I decided he need some positive attention, so I began to give him extra "helping" chores and that seemed to "calm the beast." Whenever he was not directly under our care, though, he seemed to rebel.
Finally, when neither Ms. Rotterman not I could handle the behavior anymore, I took him out to the hall. Mind you, when you have to go out in the hall with me it usually isn't a good thing. I asked him what was going on and did he act like this at school. He said no because he would have to go to the principal's office. We determined that we wanted him to behave, because it was the right thing to do and not out of fear. Then again, I asked what was going on that would make him behave in such a manner. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he whispered that he had not been able to sleep in awhile. There were problems in his house with the roof and various other things and he just could not sleep. I told him, "Well, goodness! When I don't get good sleep I am in a grouchy mood, too. No wonder you feel so bad." Then we continued to discuss the fact that even though he was in a grouchy mood he could not push that on others. We also discussed the ways that Ms. Rotterman and I could help him when he was feeling especially angry and distraught.
If I had just punished him for misbehaving and had not really listened to him, I would never have realized what was really causing the behavior. We would also not have found a solution to the problem. It was very important to first get down to his level, physically and look him in the eyes. Next, it was important to empathize with his feelings. Then I asked questions that will lead to the source of the problem. When the problem was discovered, it was important that we found a solution together. This can be done by asking open-ended and leading questions. "What makes you feel better when you feel so grouchy?" "What can we do to help you get calm?" Then as we find a solution, we can put that plan into place and the child is now empowered. He has verbalized his problem and found a solution and everyone feels satisfied.
If we adults can just remember to SLOW down and really listen, we would find that the problems and solutions are really quite easy. I have to continually ask for guidance, because, all too often, I have reacted impulsively and then regretted it when the real problem was so obvious. I could not solve the sleeping problem for this child, but I could help him solve the problem of his reactions to lack of sleep. For our particular situation we spoke of the different ways for him to relax himself. Our plan was when he was behaving erratically, I would place my hand on his shoulder as a reminder, and he would perform the activities that would calm and focus him. For him it was a deep breathing exercise he knew. We must remember to really listen and listen as a child would.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Getting Back into the Swing of Things
What a wonderful first week back! Our plan for specific activities seems to be working quite well. I will let you know for sure in a couple more weeks. Tweaking our schedule has helped as well, and I am sure Ms. Rotterman will help keep me on schedule, but as with anything involving children: we will have to adapt. Another great success this past week was a reading time with Susan Jones. Most of the children were able to settle down and enjoy a snow-themed book. A few even cuddled up for a second book. Now we have to think of a way to make it a more cozy time...maybe a rocking chair and a plush rug and some pillows.
I also had the privilege of speaking to the Athena Delphian Club here in Paris. This is a women's charitable group with about thirty members in attendance. I learned two specific things from this appearance. First, we still have to work very hard on getting the message out to our community. The community needs to know that we exist and are open and what we provide. My eldest son was answering questions for a lengthy scholarship application and was writing about the Center. He wrote, "This program is not just a babysitting deal, and that is what I admire most about it." People need to know what our philosophy is and what our program offers. We are almost at full capacity, but we need the community support to continue growing and improving
Second, when I speak about our program I really get revved up about it. It fuels me to get back to the office and work on ideas and plans. This is something that all of us need to do from time to time. No matter how passionate we are about our jobs, especially if our job is taking care of our families, we still need a bit of a jump start every once in a while. We all can get in a rut. Sometimes a vacation will do it, sometimes a workshop, sometimes an experience, sometimes it is something we read or a movie we watch. For me, it can be speaking to a civic group or just speaking to one of our volunteers or board members about what is going on at the Center. Any of these things can spark an energy in us to do more and continue to move forward.
If you know what sparks you, you are lucky, and if you don't, seize an opportunity that comes in your path. When things are getting sluggish, push yourself to a change of venue to stir it up for you. If you are a homemaker, go to the movies, or take a walk in the park, pick up a book of short stories or a magazine that peaks your interest. If you are in education, join the Scholastic Teachers Newsletter or Lesson Planet(both can be accessed on Facebook as well). If you are in a thinking profession, take a thinking break and take a walk or listen to some "up" music. If you are in a physical career, take a physical break and use your mind to play a game or read a book or go to a concert. If you are feeling dreary in your job, make a list or tell someone all the wonderful things about your job and the things you are good at. Sometime focusing on the positive is all you need.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
I also had the privilege of speaking to the Athena Delphian Club here in Paris. This is a women's charitable group with about thirty members in attendance. I learned two specific things from this appearance. First, we still have to work very hard on getting the message out to our community. The community needs to know that we exist and are open and what we provide. My eldest son was answering questions for a lengthy scholarship application and was writing about the Center. He wrote, "This program is not just a babysitting deal, and that is what I admire most about it." People need to know what our philosophy is and what our program offers. We are almost at full capacity, but we need the community support to continue growing and improving
Second, when I speak about our program I really get revved up about it. It fuels me to get back to the office and work on ideas and plans. This is something that all of us need to do from time to time. No matter how passionate we are about our jobs, especially if our job is taking care of our families, we still need a bit of a jump start every once in a while. We all can get in a rut. Sometimes a vacation will do it, sometimes a workshop, sometimes an experience, sometimes it is something we read or a movie we watch. For me, it can be speaking to a civic group or just speaking to one of our volunteers or board members about what is going on at the Center. Any of these things can spark an energy in us to do more and continue to move forward.
If you know what sparks you, you are lucky, and if you don't, seize an opportunity that comes in your path. When things are getting sluggish, push yourself to a change of venue to stir it up for you. If you are a homemaker, go to the movies, or take a walk in the park, pick up a book of short stories or a magazine that peaks your interest. If you are in education, join the Scholastic Teachers Newsletter or Lesson Planet(both can be accessed on Facebook as well). If you are in a thinking profession, take a thinking break and take a walk or listen to some "up" music. If you are in a physical career, take a physical break and use your mind to play a game or read a book or go to a concert. If you are feeling dreary in your job, make a list or tell someone all the wonderful things about your job and the things you are good at. Sometime focusing on the positive is all you need.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Starting the New Semester
We all are back and rested...well, at least we are all back. I have heard several New Year's resolutions that are very intriguing to me as they involve new volunteers for our program. It is so imperative to a program like ours to have a consistant group of adults there as support for the children, so thank you to all who give of their time, energy and patience.
We have fine tuned some things and hope this will help us on our quest for having the most efficient and inspiring program possible. First, we decided to have a specific activity assigned to each day of the week. We will start having music on Mondays, science/cooking on Tuesdays, reading/kickball on Wednesdays, arts and crafts on Thursdays and open mike on Fridays. As Ms. Rotterman and I were discussing, we have to be adaptable. Sometimes in dealing with children we have to learn to "go with the flow."
It is very important to me that the children learn and practice basic etiquette and manners. We are going to stay at our family table until everyone in our Center families is finished with snack. I explained to the children that at the dinner table we do not excuse ourselves until everyone is finished, so it is important to show the same manners at the Center. One child told me, "I get up whenever I am finished." I said with a smile, "Well, that isn't going to happen here; it is not polite to the others eating." We will then clean up our tables and start homework. While basketball season is in full swing, we will go to the gym at 4:30 and then will have our daily activities at 5 P.M. We hope that by assigning particular activities to days, children who wanted to be there for an activity could make sure to be there on the specific day.
You know, every day I try to say a little prayer that God shows me enlightened ways to understand and communicate with the children. As teachers and as parents, we are continually looking for those teachable moments. I had one of those blessed moments today. One of my particularly antsy but very intelligent children had decided he should walk around holding his seat. You see, I had told the children to stay in their seats. This child is always pushing the envelope and was literally doing what I had instructed yet still disobeying. Most teachers would have a field day with this, but I saw it as the child using his brain to get around following instructions. Now, he still needs to follow instructions if for no other reason than safety. Of course, the biggest reason is "BECAUSE I SAID SO." This was not an important struggle for me at the time until I heard that expected ''CRASH! I calmly turned to him and said, "Outside." He in turn said, "Do I get to run?" I responded, "Yes, you do."
We walked to the gym. I told him to run 10 laps. He said, "How about nine?" I said, "How about 11?" He began to run but then started doing the worm and all kinds of other forms of propelling himself forward, very slowly. I am now thinking, "Wait, I am giving up my time with the other children for this?" Then it hit me. I started to walk. I told him every time I overtook him, I would add another lap. If he overtook me he could take a lap away. This peaked his interest, and he actually lost one lap and did his ten laps in remarkable time. Not only did he get his wiggles out and follow my instructions but we had a "bonding" moment of sorts and the best part is we both got needed exercise!
Flexibility is the beauty of our program. I can adapt consequences to the incident and to the child. For my ADHD and plain energetic child, running often works. With others, a look will work. Sometimes I use the conference in the hall. Some children benefit from writing about their actions and various consequences. Sometime,s I even speak with the parents. On the last one though, I only use that as a last resort. I had a professor that told us that you should never send a child to the principal's office because that means you have lost control of that student and he/she knows it. There is a lot of truth to that. I look at it as my job to find the best way to instruct/discipline each student individually.
I am thankful that I had the opportunity to discover a way to reach this child on several levels. I am also grateful that I now have a new motivation for getting them to release some energy when they are over energetic. We need to remember each child is different, and patience and persistence will always be our best friend when working with them.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
We have fine tuned some things and hope this will help us on our quest for having the most efficient and inspiring program possible. First, we decided to have a specific activity assigned to each day of the week. We will start having music on Mondays, science/cooking on Tuesdays, reading/kickball on Wednesdays, arts and crafts on Thursdays and open mike on Fridays. As Ms. Rotterman and I were discussing, we have to be adaptable. Sometimes in dealing with children we have to learn to "go with the flow."
It is very important to me that the children learn and practice basic etiquette and manners. We are going to stay at our family table until everyone in our Center families is finished with snack. I explained to the children that at the dinner table we do not excuse ourselves until everyone is finished, so it is important to show the same manners at the Center. One child told me, "I get up whenever I am finished." I said with a smile, "Well, that isn't going to happen here; it is not polite to the others eating." We will then clean up our tables and start homework. While basketball season is in full swing, we will go to the gym at 4:30 and then will have our daily activities at 5 P.M. We hope that by assigning particular activities to days, children who wanted to be there for an activity could make sure to be there on the specific day.
You know, every day I try to say a little prayer that God shows me enlightened ways to understand and communicate with the children. As teachers and as parents, we are continually looking for those teachable moments. I had one of those blessed moments today. One of my particularly antsy but very intelligent children had decided he should walk around holding his seat. You see, I had told the children to stay in their seats. This child is always pushing the envelope and was literally doing what I had instructed yet still disobeying. Most teachers would have a field day with this, but I saw it as the child using his brain to get around following instructions. Now, he still needs to follow instructions if for no other reason than safety. Of course, the biggest reason is "BECAUSE I SAID SO." This was not an important struggle for me at the time until I heard that expected ''CRASH! I calmly turned to him and said, "Outside." He in turn said, "Do I get to run?" I responded, "Yes, you do."
We walked to the gym. I told him to run 10 laps. He said, "How about nine?" I said, "How about 11?" He began to run but then started doing the worm and all kinds of other forms of propelling himself forward, very slowly. I am now thinking, "Wait, I am giving up my time with the other children for this?" Then it hit me. I started to walk. I told him every time I overtook him, I would add another lap. If he overtook me he could take a lap away. This peaked his interest, and he actually lost one lap and did his ten laps in remarkable time. Not only did he get his wiggles out and follow my instructions but we had a "bonding" moment of sorts and the best part is we both got needed exercise!
Flexibility is the beauty of our program. I can adapt consequences to the incident and to the child. For my ADHD and plain energetic child, running often works. With others, a look will work. Sometimes I use the conference in the hall. Some children benefit from writing about their actions and various consequences. Sometime,s I even speak with the parents. On the last one though, I only use that as a last resort. I had a professor that told us that you should never send a child to the principal's office because that means you have lost control of that student and he/she knows it. There is a lot of truth to that. I look at it as my job to find the best way to instruct/discipline each student individually.
I am thankful that I had the opportunity to discover a way to reach this child on several levels. I am also grateful that I now have a new motivation for getting them to release some energy when they are over energetic. We need to remember each child is different, and patience and persistence will always be our best friend when working with them.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
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