So many times we adults are in a terrible rush and feel like our little ones are just trying to get on our nerves. This is actually true about two percent of the time. Most of the time the children are just hearing our questions or concerns with a totally different voice and understanding. On the other hand, sometimes they are just trying to get our attention and have some attention. We have to realize that occasionally they are answering our question but from their own understanding and perspective.
I have to be especially mindful because often I am in such a rush with a" hundred million" things going on that I do not really listen to what my children and the Center children are really concerned about. For example, I have one youth who was just a dream to have at the Center. He was sweet and quiet, played with others, helped whenever necessary and did whatever we asked of him. Several months into the program he started running around, snatching things from others, openly defying the volunteers and me. We let it go for a day or two thinking it would pass, but it only got worse. He started complaining that everyone "hated him." I decided he need some positive attention, so I began to give him extra "helping" chores and that seemed to "calm the beast." Whenever he was not directly under our care, though, he seemed to rebel.
Finally, when neither Ms. Rotterman not I could handle the behavior anymore, I took him out to the hall. Mind you, when you have to go out in the hall with me it usually isn't a good thing. I asked him what was going on and did he act like this at school. He said no because he would have to go to the principal's office. We determined that we wanted him to behave, because it was the right thing to do and not out of fear. Then again, I asked what was going on that would make him behave in such a manner. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he whispered that he had not been able to sleep in awhile. There were problems in his house with the roof and various other things and he just could not sleep. I told him, "Well, goodness! When I don't get good sleep I am in a grouchy mood, too. No wonder you feel so bad." Then we continued to discuss the fact that even though he was in a grouchy mood he could not push that on others. We also discussed the ways that Ms. Rotterman and I could help him when he was feeling especially angry and distraught.
If I had just punished him for misbehaving and had not really listened to him, I would never have realized what was really causing the behavior. We would also not have found a solution to the problem. It was very important to first get down to his level, physically and look him in the eyes. Next, it was important to empathize with his feelings. Then I asked questions that will lead to the source of the problem. When the problem was discovered, it was important that we found a solution together. This can be done by asking open-ended and leading questions. "What makes you feel better when you feel so grouchy?" "What can we do to help you get calm?" Then as we find a solution, we can put that plan into place and the child is now empowered. He has verbalized his problem and found a solution and everyone feels satisfied.
If we adults can just remember to SLOW down and really listen, we would find that the problems and solutions are really quite easy. I have to continually ask for guidance, because, all too often, I have reacted impulsively and then regretted it when the real problem was so obvious. I could not solve the sleeping problem for this child, but I could help him solve the problem of his reactions to lack of sleep. For our particular situation we spoke of the different ways for him to relax himself. Our plan was when he was behaving erratically, I would place my hand on his shoulder as a reminder, and he would perform the activities that would calm and focus him. For him it was a deep breathing exercise he knew. We must remember to really listen and listen as a child would.
Until next week: Keep it R.E.A.L.!
No comments:
Post a Comment